Jer Bear

I really hope

I mean more to you than that.

SO FUCKING STRESSFUL

That awkward moment

when he texts you back and you feel like a lunatic.  This is why I need help, and why I’m not going to avoid it when I get back.  It’s about time the crazy gets knocked out of me.  And I know I can’t do it alone.

Also, I’m not a fucking toy.  I’m not a project.  I’m a human being.  You can’t just pull me this way and that because you’re bored.  What you are doing to me right now is what makes me do horrible things.

This is what makes me feel like:

I’m not skinny enough

I’m only good for a one night stand

I can’t hold a steady relationship

And this isn’t me dropping you, this is me making an effort and getting shot down OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!  This is what people don’t see, but they’ll see me hop into another guy’s bed in a few days because YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THAT’S ALL I’M WORTH.  Fuck it.  I’m a slut.  And that’s all I’ll ever be.

HOW HARD IS IT?!

how FUCKING hard is it to just say “you’re leaving for three months, and the more I see you the more I like you.  I just want to wait until you get back, and then we can see each other as much as we’d both like.”

am I actually asking too much?

ignoring me is exactly what I need.  my through the roof self esteem is just getting better, thinking that I’m not even worth a fucking one minute conversation.  don’t worry about it, though.  I’ll be fucking fine.

it’s days like these that make me just want to kill everyone.

The greatest fear that I have is:

That I’ve messed it all up

That I’ve passed on the greatest opportunities

That I’ve already allowed too much of my life to pass me by

And I have no idea what I’ve missed.

I just wanna talk to you.

I just want you to talk to meee

I could never kill myself.

I always have guard practice, or a competition.  Like this activity saves me.  Daily.

What I do with my life and my body

that’s MY choice.  It’s my business.  Not yours.  So butt the fuck out.

I really don’t understand.  Like talking shit about me makes ANYONE feel better.  You know what, go ahead and call me a slut.  And when I jump off a bridge in the middle of the night you’ll realize you could never hate me as much as I hate myself.  This isn’t a cry for attention, this is me just stating that I don’t like living.  I really don’t.  And some days it’s not as bad, but lately I hate myself more than I did in high school.  Lately, I’ve just sat around and thought about how to do it without the chance of anyone walking in and saving me at the last second.  Thinking about how great it would be to just be released from all this shit.  I feel horrible.  Every day of my life.  And that’s something that most people don’t have to deal with.  Like no one understands how much I actually want to be dead.  How jealous I am of the people that just pass away.  They deserve their lives more than I deserve mine.  I’m ungrateful.  I’m selfish.  I’m WORTHLESS!!!  And nothing anyone says can make me feel differently about it.  And when someone asks me if I’m okay, I’ll nod and say yes.  I’ll just lie and say I’m fine.  I’M NOT FUCKING OKAY!  I really just don’t feel like living.  It’s too fucking difficult, and I just wind up hurting everyone in my presence.  At least this would be one final blow.  Go out with a bang.  Hurt everyone one last time, and never get a chance to cause anyone pain ever again.